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5 most annoying people in Nigeria

RT if you don’t watch Game of Thrones people

When I was in secondary school, Van Helsing came out and not having anyone to borrow me the CD, I didn’t get to see the film until five months after its release. By that time, the expectation and anticipation had built up so much that it was almost unbearable. When I finally watched the movie, the hype just could not match the actual thing because I had put the movie on an incredibly high pedestal. It was not a bad movie at all, but I expected too much.Ever since 2004, I have had this distrust for the hype attached to movies, and it seems some of you people are like that also. I am not writing this for you to change your mind about watching/not watching Game of Thrones, nah! Although, with my own circle of friends and my girlfriend, when one of us reads a dope book or sees a dope movie, that person must mention it to the others so that all of us in the group will be able to interestingly make references to lines/characters in those movies and books. It is an esoteric something.

People who fry fries but won’t let you eat until everything is ready

When did you last hug your mama? Or worse still, your father? I mean, for me, it’s a really tough thing to do – – as we just didn’t have that kind of upbringing. No hugs. Just the perfunctory “you this boy, won’t you eat” you-should-know-I-worry-about-you kinda words and gestures, but never hugs. That ain’t traumatic, but I will tell you what is.

You know when your mama is frying meat/fish/egg/akara/potatoes/yam/plantain and you stroll into the kitchen to pick one or six of these hot, freshly fried things and she uses her perforated spoon to hit the back of your hand before telling you to wait until everything is fried and ready? What is their endgame gangan?

People who keep you in suspense when narrating gist

As a teenage boy, how do you know you’re in love with a girl? Ask a hundred different guys and you’re likely to get a hundred different responses. So I’m a boy who talks to other boys and a compendium of these conversations have given rise to a hypothesis which says: “the amount of info you’re willing to divulge about your intimate moments with your woman is directly proportional to the intensity of your feelings for her.”

Back when childish kissing-n-telling was the classless norm, if she’s a girl you really like, you’ll be stingy with details when your inner circle asks “how far” but if she’s a girl that is using you for sex alone, you leave nothing to imagination when describing your conquests. You people would probably be eating suya when it is time for one of you to narrate his latest conquest. “So how did it go?”

‘English-is-kuku-not-my-language’ people

Look, let me say that before 2009, I never voluntarily uttered a word in English. My English language statements were always in response to questions from teachers. In retrospect, I feel this was borne out of the concern of being laughed at when mistakes happen. Now that I’m no longer 15, I have since recognized that mistake-making is crucial to learning and improving.

The annoying part of this is that I often hear ridiculous statements trying to justify communicational ineptitude (with English) by saying “shebi Oyinbo people too don’t speak my language”. By no means am I advocating that English should take precedence over your local language, but English is Nigeria’s lingua franca as it is. Stop using the English-is-kuku-not-my-langauge line. Just stop it.





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Game of Thrones Nigeria Van Helsing

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