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1.Akpos went for his heart surgery, having earned enough money through his pay-off after his retirement. The following conversation follows...AKPOS: Doctor, I'm so scared, I've never done this before and I heard it has killed lots of people.DOCTOR: You shouldn't be worried at all. (The doctor said courageously).AKPOS: But why doctor? (Akpos asked anxiously)DOCTOR: Because of all the surgeries that has been carried out in my hospital, it's only one person that has been recorded dead before.AKPOS: (feeling a little bit relieved) If I may ask, how many have you done so far doc?DOCTOR: Yours will be the second.Akpos fainted immediately!
2.A young boy rushed to his mother and told her excitedly, "Mummy, Mummy! Come quickly! There is a strange man playing with the house maid in her room!"His mother stood up in anger, "In my house?! Is this girl crazy?! God! If Akpos is saying the truth, I'm going to kill this girl today!"She stormed down the hall to confront the maid but when she got to the door, Akpos, who had been trying to play a joke on his mum screamed with glee, "April Fool Mum! It's only daddy playing with the housemaid!"
3.Akpos wife woke him up one morning. She was holding his phone.The following conversation ensued... WIFE: Honey
AKPOS: Yes? Why are you waking me this early?
WIFE: (points to his phone) Who is Alarm and why does she call at 5 every morning?
AKPOS: (says to himself) My God! What did I do to deserve this?
4.Akpos called a Computer Assistant on phone to complain and this conversation took place...
COMPUTER ASSISTANT: May I help you?
AKPOS: Yes, I am having trouble with WordPerfect.
COMPUTER ASSISTANT: What sort of trouble?
AKPOS: I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words went away.
COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Went away? AKPOS: They disappeared.
COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Hmm, so what does your screen look like now?
AKPOS: Nothing. COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Can you see the C prompt on the screen?
AKPOS: What is the C prompt? COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Never mind. Can you move the cursor around the screen?
AKPOS: There isn't any cursor. It won't accept anything I type.
COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Does your monitor have a power indicator?
AKPOS: What is a monitor? COMPUTER ASSISTANT: It is the thing with the screen on it that looks like a T.V. Does it have a little light that tells you when it is switched on?
AKPOS: I don't know. COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Well then, just look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?
AKPOS: No, it's too dark in here.COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Dark?
AKPOS: Yes, my room's light is off, so the only light I have is what is coming from my window.
COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Well, you had better turn on your room's light then.
AKPOS: I can't. COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Why? AKPOS: Because there is no light.
COMPUTER ASSISTANT: No light? Okay, do you still have the boxes, manuals and packing stuff that the computer came in?
AKPOS: Yes, I kept them in my cupboard. COMPUTER ASSISTANT: That is good. Go and get them and unplug your computer and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
AKPOS: Really? Is it that bad? COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Yes, I'm afraid it is.
AKPOS: Well, alright then what do I tell them?COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Tell them, you are too stupid to own a computer.
5.Akpos' wife was kidnapped one morning. He received a message in the afternoon, which included a picture of his wife gagged and tied up, asking him to pay a ransom of one million naira if he ever wants to see his wife again.Akpos replied the message, "You fool! My wife is fine at work, so you can't deceive me with a fake picture." When the kidnapper received his reply, he angrily cuts off one of his wife's fingers and sent it as a parcel to Akpos. When Akpos got the parcel, he called the kidnapper on the phone and said, "Idiot! This can be anybody's finger, send me her head instead!
6.Akpos walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken. The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger. After finishing, she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. She couldn't find the cotton wool, so she looks innocently at Akpos and takes his finger and sucks it.Akpos is so pleased, then he asks with a wide smile on his face, "Please I desire to have a urine test done too."
7.A primary school teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a goat holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the goat in black and the umbrella green, however, Akpos, the class rebel, colored the goat in red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him, "Akpos, how many times have you see a red goat?" Young Akpos replied with, "The same number of times I've seen a goat holding an umbrella."
8.MUM: Akpos, why are you crying? AKPOS: I've hurt my finger. MUM: When? AKPOS: Half an hour ago. MUM: I didn't hear you crying then. AKPOS: No, I thought you were out.
9.Akpos got his WAEC result and needed to tell his father about his performance:
FATHER: Akpos, I learnt your WAEC result is out. AKPOS: Daddy, you remember Steven who used to emerge first in our class at the end of every term? he failed. FATHER: Thats terrible, what happened? AKPOS: You also remember Thambo who tutors me at home? He failed too! FATHER: Whats with the poor performance? AKPOS: Daddy I dont know. Thats how it is. Even Kwame who won the Cowbell Science and Maths competition failed. FATHER: So how was your own result? AKPOS : You also remember John our senior prefect? He failed too. FATHER: (Angrily) Boy, tell me about your own result!! AKPOS : (angrily) Papa, if all these people I've been telling you about failed, how do you expect me to pass?
10.Akpos and Okon in the office:
OKON: Akpos, I have been attending night classes for five months now because I have exams next week. AKPOS: Oh!
OKON: Do you know who is Graham Bell?AKPOS: No.
OKON: He invented the telephone in 1876. If you take night courses you would know this.The next day, the same discussion happened.
OKON: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is? AKPOS: No.
OKON: He's the author of "The Three Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.The next day, once again:
OKON: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is? AKPOS: No.
OKON: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this. This time, Akpos got irritated and said:
AKPOS: Do you know who James Ikechukwu Peters is? OKON: No.
AKPOS: He is your neighbour, screwing your wife since you started taking night courses!
11.Akpos had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when he accidentally cut off a trailer driver. He motioned for Akpos to pull over. When Akpos did, he got out of his trailer and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded Akpos, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"He then went to Akpos car and cut up his leather seats. When he turned around, Akpos had a slight grin on his face, so the trailer driver said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his trailer and breaks every window in Akpos' car. When he turns and looks at Akpos, he hasa smile on his face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all Akpos' tires. Now Akpos is laughing.The trailer driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his trailer and gets a can of gas, pours it on Akpos' car and setsit on fire. He turns around and Akpos is laughing so hard, he is about to fall down."What's so funny?" the trailer driver asked the Akpos.Akpos replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"
12.A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.Akpos, I am going hunting tomorrow. I dont want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.Yes, sir! answers Akpos.The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: So, Akpos, how was your day?Akpos told him that he took care of three patients.The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol.Bravo, and the second one? asks the doctor.The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Flagyl, sir. says Akpos.Bravo, bravo! Youre good at this and what about the third one? asks the doctor.Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!Lord Jesus! Akpos, what did you do? asks the doctor.I put eye-drops in her eyes. One word For Akpos
Museum administrator: That's a 500 year old statue you've broken. Akpos: Thank God. I thought it was a new one.
14.Akpos had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when he accidentally cut off a trailer driver. He motioned for Akpos to pull over. When Akpos did, he got out of his trailer and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded Akpos, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"He then went to Akpos car and cut up his leather seats. When he turned around, Akpos had a slight grin on his face, so the trailer driver said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his trailer and breaks every window in Akpos' car. When he turns and looks at Akpos, he hasa smile on his face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all Akpos' tires. Now Akpos is laughing.The trailer driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his trailer and gets a can of gas, pours it on Akpos' car and setsit on fire. He turns around and Akpos is laughing so hard, he is about to fall down."What's so funny?" the trailer driver asked the Akpos.Akpos replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"
15.Akpos goes up to the Cotonou border on his bicycle. He had over his shoulders two large bags. The Customs Officer stopped him and asked, "What is inside the bags?""Garri", Akpos replied. The Customs Officer said, "Let me see. Come down from the bicycle." The Customs Officer took the bags and ripped them apart. He emptied them out and found nothing in them but garri. He detained Akpos overnight and had the garri analysed, only to discover that there was nothing but pure garri inside the bags.The Customs Officer released him, puts the garri into new bags, lifted them onto Akpos' shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happened. The Customs Officer asked, "What do you have there today?" Akpos replied, "Garri." The Customs officer does his thorough examination and discovered that the bags contain nothing but garri. He gave the garri back to Akpos, and Akpos crossed the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events was repeated everyday for four years. At last, Akpos did not show up again. One day, the Custom Officer met him in a drinking joint in Cotonou."Hey, my friend," said the Customs Officer, "I know you are smuggling something. It is driving me crazy. It's all I think about, I can't sleep. Just between you and I, what are you smuggling?" Akpos sipped his Hi-Malt and replied, "Bicycles!"
16.Akpos just got a job as a porter in a five star hotel in Abuja.The manager told him "In here we give every customer personalized services and you have to be very observant so you know how to address their every need even before they ask.
"Before the manager could finish, a couple walked through the hotel entrance and the manager quicklyapproached them, nicely took their baggage and said,"Welcome Mr & Mrs James, it is our delight to have you in our hotel. Please come this way to the reception" and he led them to the reception.After the couple had been taken care of, Akpos asked the manager, "Has the couple been visiting thishotel before?""No" came the reply from the manager."So how come you knew their name?" asked Akpos."That is why I told you to be very observant. All I had to do was quickly look at the label on their baggage while I'm taking it from them and see the name on the tag.""Oh, here comes another couple. Why don't you give it a try?""Ok" said Akpos and he hurriedly approached the couple, helped them with their luggage and said,"Welcome Mr & Mrs SUPERIOR HAND MADE LEATHER! We are delighted to have you in our hotel..."The manager fainted!
17.MOTHER: Akpors I'm sorry I slept with someone that is not your father 23 years ago. And that person is your real father.AKPORS: Mum, what rubbish! How could you! How am I to deal with this?! You should be hanged!"MOTHER: I am sorry baby, he was my first love and I could not marry him cause we are of different religion. He is on the phone at the moment and wants to speak with his you for the first time ever.AKPORS: No I am speaking to no one, Mr bello is the only father I know and that will never change!MOTHER: Please don't be so upset. Just talk to him.AKPORS: Ok, I will give him a piece of my mind!Akpors already very angry, was ready to pour scorn on his apparent real father when:PHONE: Morning Son, I am Aliko Dangote. I am your real father.AKPORS: [Totally in shock] I always knew there was something special about me. I never did like Mr. Bello as my father.
18.Akpos' next door neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Akpos' family to come over and see their new baby.Akpos' parents were very afraid their son would have some silly words to say about the baby. So, Akpos' dad had a long talk with Akpos before going to the neighbours house. He said, "Now son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behaviour and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to beat you when we get back home.""I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Akpos.
At the neighbour's house, Akpos leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at his mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"The mother, who had braced herself for Akpos' comments, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Akpos."Akpos then continued, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see clearly?" The mother who was a bit surprised, replied, "Yes, his doctor said he has a good vision. Why do you ask?"Akpos said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause if he can't see, he won't be able to wear glasses."
19.One night, Akpos passed by his son's room and heard his son praying; "God, bless Mummy, Daddy, and Grandma. Bye Grandpa."Akpos didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor after a heart attack. Akpos reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.The next night, he heard his son praying again; "God bless Mummy and Daddy. Bye Grandma."Akpos was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, Akpos decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray; "God bless Mummy. Bye Daddy."Now Akpos was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to see the doctor early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here, we could really use your help! We found the Milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
20.Musa vs Akpos
After writing a maths examination, a fight ensued between Musa and Akpos. Classmates gathered around to watch the the two students exhibit their boxing skills. A teacher separated them and asked them why they were fighting...
AKPOS: This idiot copied me during the maths exam!
MUSA: Copy? Hes lying! I didnt write anything! My answer booklet was blank before I submitted!
AKPOS: You copied my blank answers! Because I didnt write anything on my answer booklet too before I submitted!
One word for Akpos?
21.Akpos was sitting at a bar, and thinking about his life, when all of a sudden, Ironman, the town's most notorious thug smacks Akpos in the face and says"That's KUNG FU, made in Japan".A while later, Ironman the thug smacks Akpos again and says "That's KARATE, made in Korea", then sat at the bar and started drinking.Akpos gets up and leaves the bar. A short time later he comes back and smacks Ironman, the thug, knocking him out cold and he said to the barman, "When that IMBECILE wakes up, tell him that was a SHOVEL, made in ABA!"
22.Akpos was trying to prove his love for his girlfriend and the following conversation ensued.AKPOS: I can do anything for you. I can swim the oceans for you. I can run round the world for you, all for your love.GIRLFRIEND: (Flattered) OK. I have one question for you.AKPOS: What?GIRLFRIEND: Can you die for me?AKPOS: Nooo! My love for you is an undying love.
TEACHER: We are going to learn proverbs today. Who has an example to share?
STUDENT 1: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
STUDENT 2: A crab does not give birth to a bird.
AKPOS: Many are mad but few are roaming! One word for Akpos
24.The Beautiful Neighbour
Akpos was shocked to see his beautiful divorced neighbour knocking on his door one Friday evening."I'm feeling so lonely that I can't stand it." she said. "I want to go out, get drunk and want to enjoy my life. Are you free tonight?""Yes!" Akpos replied enthusiastically."Wonderful." she said. "Would you watch my kids?"Akpos nearly fainted.
24.Little Akpos came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?""No", said his mom, "of course not."Little Akpos then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
25.MOTHER: Apkos, can you please clean the fish I bought from the market? AKPOS: WTF?! MOTHER: What do you mean by WTF? AKPOS: Where's the fish.
26.TEACHER: Akpos, if you are having ten coconuts and five coconuts is removed from it. How many coconut will you have left?AKPOS: I don't know sir.TEACHER: Why? AKPOS: In our class, we usually do our arithmetic with mango.
27.International Maths Competition
Finally, Akpos makes us proud.
Akpos represented Nigeria in an International Maths Competition. They were asked: 2/10=2
CHINESE STUDENT: Wrong question!
INDIAN STUDENT: Not possible!
AMERICAN STUDENT: How is that possible?!
AKPOS: Simple:TWO/TEN(T cancel T) we will have; WO/EN where using the alphabetical order W=23, O=15, E=5, N=14, WO= 23+15=38, EN=5+14=19, therefore 38/19=2
SCORE AKPOS OVER 100
28.A man , angry at the unavailability of toothpicks in the house when he wanted to use one himself after eating a meal called Akpos his houseboy and the following dialogue ensued;MAN: Akpos! Why are the toothpicks finishing faster than normal? AKPOS: Oga. It must be your children because any time I use a tooth pick, I always return It.
29.Akpos spent the night with his mistress and comes back in the morning.WIFE: Where have you been? Where did you sleep?AKPOS: At Johnny's place, he lost his sister.WIFE: OK...you can eat your food, I'm going to the bathroom.[After bathing]WIFE: I'm going out...AKPOS: Where are you going to?WIFE: To Johnny's, need to check how they are doing.AKPOS: Honey, they called the time you were bathing and told me she rose from the dead!
30.I was raped at the age of nine - Oprah Winfrey. I was in prison for 27 years - Nelson Mandela. I didn't even complete my University education- Bill Gates. I used to serve tea at a shop to support my football training - Lionel Messi. I grew up in the largest slum in Africa - Octopizzo. I struggled for 15 years to make it in comedy - Churchill. I was a house-help before I started music - Gloria Muliro. I was a school drop out - Mark Zuckerberg. I was the president of comedy before I became a beggar- Akpos
SO, WHERE THEY FUNNY?
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