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These Jokes Are Really So Funny, You Need To Check Them Out. Do Not Miss It.

These Jokes are the Funniest Jokes You are going to see today, they will cheer you up despite your mode. Anyways, I hope you enjoy them and Kindly Follow This page so you can see more contents Like this.


1.As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"

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2.Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F and Gare the letters used to define bra sizes?If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out whatthe letters stood for... It is about time you became informed!{A} - Almost Boobs...{B} - Barely there.{C} - Can't Complain!{D} - Damn!{DD} - Double damn!{E} - Enormous!{G} - GEEEEzus Christ!{F} - Fake.

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3.A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening  the front door.  "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil  all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move  until I tell you to." she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."  "What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room. "Oh,  it's just a statue." she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one  for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us too." No  more was said about the "statue."  Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went into the  kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here." he  said to the 'statue.' "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's  for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

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4.Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they  make  love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped  on her  reading lamp one passionate night -- only to find a cucumber in his  hand.  "Is THIS", she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been  using  on me for the last 5 years?" "Honey, let me explain..." "Why, you  sneaky  bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a -" "Speaking of  sneaky,"  her husband coolly interjected, "maybe you'd like to explain our three  kids."

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5.Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then herhusband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by hernext husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they'refinally together."A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"The priest says, "I mean her legs."

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6.Biology Class In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (FRESHMAN) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?" "That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class.... and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic.... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

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7.A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spotoverlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple insidewith the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver'sseat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seatcalmly knitting.He stopped to investigate.He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man lookedup, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?""What are you doing?" the policeman asked."What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm readingthis magazine."Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer thenasked, "And what is she doing?"The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she'sknitting a sweater."Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?""I'm nineteen," he replied."And how old is she?" asked the officer.The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelveminutes she'll be eighteen."

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8.Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle " products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am? "Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,... "Judging from your skin, twenty;your hair, eighteen;and your figure, twenty five. "Oh, you flatterer! " she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying... "WHOA, hold on there sweety! " Andy interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet! "

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9.Two guys meet up in a bar.  The first one asks, “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead??!!!” “Woah, what the hell happened to him?” “Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.” “What a horrible way to die!” “No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.” “What a way to go, that’s terrible!” “No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.” “Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!” “No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.” “Man, what a way to go!” “No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.” “Now that is one awful way to go!” “No no, he survived that…” “Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?” “I shot him!” “You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?” “He was wrecking my house.”

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10.Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.  He doesnt seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.  The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.  He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"  The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, lets make sure hes dead."  There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.  Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

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11.A nun and a priest decide to take a day off, so they go golfing.  The nun gets a hole-in-one, but the priest hits it into a sand trap.  Hes so angry, he shouts "God dammit, I missed!".  The nun reminds him not to take the Lords name in vain, and the priest apologizes and tries again.  He hits it into the rough, and in his anger, shouts "God dammit, I MISSED!".  The nun once again tells him not to take the Lords name in vain, and he apologizes again.  On his third shot, he hits it into the water and yells "GOD DAMMIT I MISSED!" and before the nun can say anything, a bolt of lightning strikes the nun, killing her instantly.  Out of nowhere, a loud voice booms "God dammit, I missed".

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12.A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower.  "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I’m in the shower. Send him in."  The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That’s nice and all, ma’am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds."

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13.The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.  Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her The man said, You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife. The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.  The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, I tried, but I cant kill my wife. The agent said, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife home.  Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks he said. I had to strangle that bitch to death.

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14.There are 3 men on a plane a Mexican an American and a Russian the Mexican says "I hate my country!"  And throughs a soup out the window the American says "I hate my country" and throughs a pie out the window.  The Russian says "I hate my country!"  And throughs a bomb out the window.  Then the plane lands and the Mexican sees a kid crying the Mexican says "whats wrong kid?"  The kid says "a soup fell on my moms head and she burnt to death."  "I didnt do that" says the Mexican.  The American was walking and saw a kid crying "whats wrong kid?"  The kid says "my mom was driving and a pie fell on her windshield and drove off a cliff cause she couldnt see!"  "I didnt do that" says the American.  Then the Russian gets off the plane and saw a kid laughing his head off.  The Russian says "whats so funny?"  The kid says " daddy farted and the house went BOOM BOOM!"

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15.A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She’s laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her.  The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready.  A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body.  He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: “All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?” The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor.”

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16.A guy has a bad habit:  He loves to hit pedestrians while he drives.  So one day hes driving andsees an old lady with a cane and he decides to control his urge to swerve and hit her but he cant. Later, he sees a kid skating and cant resist hitting the kid.  Finally, he decides he needs help from above so he goes to a church and asks the pastor for help. So after church, the pastor invites him to his house for lunch.  They get in the car and start to drive down the street, and just as he starts to tell the pastor about his problem, he sees an old blind man walking down the street.  He swerves toward him but misses, and the pastor says, "Dont worry. I got him with the door!"

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17.This old man and woman were on a cruise and it was really stormy.  They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.  They searched for days and couldnt find her so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.  Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat it read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her very most private part was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000 ...please advise."  So the old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap..."

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18.Bill brown goes to purgatory. St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things.  Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go". First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches.  Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds. Bill chooses Hell. About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons. Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?" St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."

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19.One fine day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other. The deaf policeman heard the noise, and came and shot those two dead boys. If you dont believe this joke is true, ask the blind man, he saw it too.

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20.Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died. "You know," Mom said, "its not so bad.  Skippers probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God." Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

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Which one is the funniest, mine was number 18, which is yours? Comment below.

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