1. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
2. I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
3. Hal: How did you get hit on the head with a book?
Sal: I only have my shelf to blame.
5. I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work
6. I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed
7. "I have a split personality," said Tommy, being frank.
8. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it
9. Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out
10. When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
11. Odorless perfumes are non-scents.
12. Why did the leopard hate playing Hide and Seek? Because he was always spotted !
13. What's so special about your deer? I have no-eye-deer !
14. What's the difference between a fish and a piano?Y ou can't tuna fish !
15. What did the dog say before he left for work?"Just another day at the paw-ffice !"
16. Get utter here
17. Why do pandas prefer old movies? Because they're black and white !
18. A friend of mine made so many rash decisions that he became a dermatologist
19. I’d tell you the joke about the germ,
but I don’t want you to spread it around.
20. A dermatologist friend of mine started his career from scratch.
21. Never lie to an X-ray technician. They can see right through you.
22. Friend woke up this morning coughing badly, think he may have pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but it’s hard to say.
23. A chap goes to the doctor and says “I keep seeing a werewolf, with big sharp teeth”. The doctor says, “have you seen a psychiatrist?” The man says “no, just a werewolf”.
24. Q: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
A: Only if you aim well at the head.
25. Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
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