As human beings, none of us will ever be self-confident and confident in every aspect of our lives (after all, we are not God), and these moments of uncertainty can lead to us occasionally feeling insecure about ourselves. It could be uncertainty about our appearance, our life choices, or even something as insignificant as if we got on the right bus to work today. The thing is, we all have some kind of experience when it comes to dealing with insecurity.
However, why do some people tend to deal with insecurity more than others, with seemingly greater frequency and intensity? It is much more evident during relationships when emotions are involved, and sometimes we end up feeling drained as a result of our spouse's constant pretense of insecurity. It can be even the opposite and you are the one dealing with insecurity, but you do not know what is causing them in the first place.
Either way, if you feel your current relationship has a potential future, but the main obstacle that jeopardizes it all is insecurity, then the ability to identify the underlying cause behind you or your spouse's insecurities, as well as understand how to overcome them, can very well pass. A long way to go to help you save your relationship.
Causes insecurity in a relationship
Here are 5 main factors behind insecurity in a relationship that should not be ignored.
Low self-esteem / self-confidence
We are only as confident in a relationship as we allow ourselves to be. But if we have already felt insecure in almost every aspect of our lives, then how can we expect our relationships to be different?
Low self-esteem and general insecurity are undoubtedly the main cause of insecurity in a relationship and usually relate to human growth.
You are teased and harassed at school, constantly told that you are not good enough, or maybe even the lack of proper affection in adolescence ... All of these experiences will definitely have a long-term impact on the person, and if they are not resolved, they will continue into adulthood. .
No matter where its roots come from, the result obtained will remain relatively unchanged, and they often grow constantly feeling insecure in everything because of the conditioning they have received over the years.
If you constantly doubt their feelings, thoughts and behaviors, not only will you end up throwing these doubts on your relationship and your partner, but it will also lead to a series of irrational thoughts and worries, which only further heighten these feelings of insecurity.
2. Negative past experiences (emotional charge)
Many of us have stayed away from certain relationships because something bad happened (cheating, dishonest, etc.) or maybe the nature of the relationship itself was just too toxic (abusive, emotionally unavailable, etc.). As we move away from such relationships, the healthy thing to do will also be to leave those negative memories and eventually go through them to start over.
However, in the end, some of us hold on to these negative emotions and we even put them into our next relationships as an unresolved emotional charge. This creates insecurity and anxiety that we ultimately radiate to our new partners, as we hold them subconsciously against any pain or injury to our ex caused to us.
As a result, we develop some insecurity towards our spouse and may even have difficulty trusting them, even if they have not really given us any reason not to.
When we put an emotional charge that has been transferred into a new relationship, we automatically create an environment where there is insecurity, and in effect we sabotage the new relationship by considering the new spouse something they have not even done.
3. Styles attached
Based on psychological research (attachment theory), it has been identified that a child develops different attachment styles (safe or insecure), depending on how their parent communicated with them.
It has also been found that these attachment styles can continue into adulthood and play an important role in the way people form their relationships. Having a neglected childhood can cause a person greater insecurity as an adult and because his or her emotional needs were not met during adolescence.
This causes particularly high insecurity predictions in a relationship, because apart from an insecure attachment style there is almost no experience when it comes to fulfilling his emotional needs. Once they finally understand how it addresses their emotional needs, an unhealthy reliance is created. That person has no other way of perceiving such affection.
With everything that is perceived as precious to someone, also comes the general fear of losing it. And a person who has an insecure attachment style will probably project these fears in clear ways. They may be easily jealous, extremely sensitive, constantly asking you to tell the truth, and may even be extremely sticky because they feel threatened by anything that may attract their partner’s attention from them.
4. Fulfilling personal life (or lack thereof)
As two people differentiate before you find each other, you both will have unique aspects of yourself that will make you, unique to you. Your career, your hobbies, your goals, your views, and even your favorite food, are all self-tailored aspects that will not only create your personal identity, but will also provide you with a sense of fulfillment.
Many people tend to lose their personal identity after entering into a relationship and as a result, they also lose the sense of fulfillment of personal life. As a result, they turn to their spouses instead, and begin to rely on them to provide them with life fulfillment and meaning.
This factor in itself, although considered unhealthy, may not necessarily create insecurity in a relationship. However, when we develop a reliance on someone else that will bring meaning and fulfillment to our lives, there is usually also a subconscious expectation for the other person to feel the same way about us that accompanies our reliance.
This can lead to insecurity and even jealousy, whenever our partner experiences external happiness that is not related to us, or when there is a positive change in the partner's life. Instead of feeling happy and supportive of our spouse's accomplishments, we end up feeling bitter and insecure, all because something else (besides us) has managed to make our spouses happy and give their lives meaning.
5. Inequal past experiences
At some point in everyone's adult life, we are going to exhaust all of our relationships 'for the first time'. We may have previously called someone from our previous relationship a ‘soul mate’ in the past, or we may have ever come closer to settling down. We are all advancing at a different pace and even the amount of couple experience will vary for each person.
If you are not a confident person in the first place, dating someone who has more experience than you or you have been involved in a serious relationship in the past can easily lead to relationship insecurity.
If you are constantly making comparisons between yourself and your spouse's exes or the emotional connection they once had (which will probably be bigger than yours), feelings of inferiority can easily crystallize when you begin to doubt yourself and wonder if you will ever be able to measure.
What can you do to overcome insecurity?
If you find yourself insecure in a relationship, here are what you can do to overcome your insecurities (or help your partner overcome theirs).
The first step to overcoming any problem is to understand and acknowledge that it exists. If you do not even know that your insecurity is adversely affecting your relationship or worse, do not understand that you are acting insecurely in the first place, then there is no chance that you will be able to get through it and this insecurity will just be a recurring problem.
It is not enough just to know that there is a problem, if you are not willing to do anything about it. You need to develop a greater self-awareness about your feelings if you hope to improve the way you feel and act on certain issues.
Ultimately, being aware and aware of your personal self is essential to overcoming insecurity and preventing yourself from acting unconsciously, envying, or even manipulating your spouse whenever you feel insecure about something.
Open and honest communication
No matter if it is you or your partner who is dealing with insecurity, one of you is necessarily going to bring it up at some point during the relationship. The main question here is when and where.
Will it come out as ammunition to hurt the other person when he is in the middle of an argument? Or as an open discussion that both parties can talk about comfortably without defending or feeling offended?
Without a healthy line of communication with the partner, feelings of frustration and negativity only get worse and worse with each additional 'episode' of insecurity that occurs, causing the relationship to slowly deteriorate.
If you see potential with your current partner, you will need to start working on creating an honest, open and healthy line of communication with them. Do not be so afraid that you will end up hurting the other person's feelings that you avoid confrontations completely, because the alternative of this bottle will only lead to a much worse result.
Find the time to sit your spouse down and let them know you had something on your mind (not when you are in the middle of an argument or there is some tension between the two parties).
First, start by making a statement that everything you are about to say is not meant to ‘poke’, hurt or put them down, but because you see a future with them, so you would like to be honest and open up your feelings so you both can be strengthened as a couple by working together to overcome It.
Be careful in choosing your words, especially if you are trying to tell a person who is no longer sure he is insecure. Avoid using confrontational words like 'you' (meaning you always act insecure!) And instead opt for softer alternatives that are less effective so that the discussion can continue in a positive way (i.e. I noticed there has been some insecurity in a relationship lately).
Your goal at the end of the day is not only to make them understand and acknowledge that they have this insecurity, but more importantly, let them know that you will still be by their side no matter what (remember their insecurity. Will not disappear magic just because you brought it) and you still You will need to make some compromises when suggesting ways to improve the situation.
Join a professional therapist who will help address deeper ingrained problems
Unfortunately, not all issues can be overcome through self-guidance, and there are some people whose insecurities will be so deeply rooted that professional help may be required before any improvement can be seen.
If you or your spouse's cause of insecurity is related to more serious issues such as a poor childhood or an experience of a particular event that may have led to trauma / severe anxiety, then both of you simply will not be able to overcome these issues alone, and a caregiver or professional counselor may be involved. More.
How can we hope that others will love us if we are not even able to love ourselves first?
There is a certain truth in this cliché, and those who have great insecurity in relation to their spouse would usually also tend to feel low self-love. When a person is insecure and has low self-esteem, his self-worth will also be affected and this leads to insecurity that develops as a result.
An insecure person constantly doubts and doubts their spouse's decision to be with them, simply because they are unable to see their value. They constantly feel unsure why their partner will choose them when they do not believe they are at all worth loving in the first place.
If you are someone who is constantly insecure in your relationship - there was a reason your partner chose you first and it was not by chance or by chance. Your spouse chose you because he or she saw in you certain traits that they feel they are attracted to; Traits that you constantly fail to pay attention to and sometimes even stubbornly remain in denial.
You need to learn to start embracing these qualities and cultivate a greater love for yourself because the key to managing a safe and loving relationship begins with you.
At the end of the day, insecurity is basically a projection of a person’s doubts, fears and uncertainties. There is never just one clear reason behind a person's insecurity and it tends to be a combination of several factors (past and present) that have created these uncertainties.
Identifying the underlying cause behind you or your spouse's insecurity and understanding how to overcome it are two essential processes for work, if we hope to establish ongoing contact with our spouses.
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